Hello, and welcome back to The Autistic Writer. Thank you for coming.
It’s Sunday morning, and I’m typing this blog on my phone, intending to upload on mobile data, because I currently have no WiFi. This is not a good way foe me to work, as I have clumsy fingers, and I’m short of time. There will be typos, which I hope you will forgive.
Yesterday, I moved into my new flat, where I will be living alone. This signifies the end of my marriage, although in truth it fell apart quite some time ago. We are still officially married, but I guess divorce will come when we both feel ready to face it.
My new flat is lovely. I feel really lucky because just days ago there was a very real prospect I could have been temporarily homeless. Unable to find a flat, I was being forced to look at overpriced and/or run-down properties in highly urban areas, and I couldn’t even get one of those. The prospect was depressing…
You can find The Autistic Writer on all your favourite social media channels
Fortunately, I’ve found a place with very reasonable rent in a gorgeous, quiet little leafy suburb. It’s set back away from anything urban, and you could be forgiven, looking out of my window, for thinking you were in a rural hamlet rather than the big city of Sheffield.
Right now, I am utterly exhausted. Spent. Moving home is hard work, and its gets harder in the context of the domestic trauma, my spine problem, my shoulder problem, work challenges, and so on. My flat is full of cardboard boxes waiting to be unpacked. My fridge is empty; I should have done my food shopping last night, but I was so tired it was all I could do to pop out for some bread , cereal, and pre-made sandwiches. But there’s a bigger worry than that…
Interlude: A brief message
I will never put this blog behind a paywall. I want anyone, anywhere, to be able to access this content at any time. There are costs incurred running this website, however. So if you like what I’m trying to do here, please feel free to show your support with a small contribution via buymeacoffee.com. Okay, back to the blog.
I often talk about “not having the spoons” when my energy and ability to cope is failing. If your unfamiliar with this, google spoon theory. The thing is, with everything I’ve been dealing with since last August, it feel like I’ve used more spoons than I actually have. Is that even possible? Well maybe… if you invoke, wait for it… quantum fluctuations! Okay, I’m being a little silly here, but bear with me…
You can find The Autistic Writer on all your favourite social media channels
There is a scientific theory that proposes the universe at a fundamental level is made up of quantum particles that pop in and and out of existence. I’m not a scientist, and there’s every chance I might have misunderstood the theory, but I think the idea is used to explain how the universe could have emerged from “nothing”. The pre-Big Bang state of nothingness consisted of , well, nothing; a zero sum situation, in which the nothing was only interrupted by quantum fluctuations. When a particle popped into existence, there had to be an equivalent less-than-zero event elsewhere to balance it out. This is not the same as matter and anti-matter, which (I think) is to do with positive and negative charge. It’s just balancing to zero sum. And this is how I’ve recently imagined my spoon supply…
The hypothesis I’m going to suggest is probably full of holes (I’m tired) but here goes. When it comes to dealing with the neurotypical world, the neurotypicals have a ready supply of spoons, usually enough for their needs, and they can recharge that supply with rest and relaxation, etc. But autistic people have no spoons. We conjure our spoons from the quantum foam, and we have to pay them back with a negative balancing elsewhere. That negative rebalancing is reflected is meltdown, burnout, anxiety, depression, and a host of physical health issues. Considering how far into the red I currently am after over a year of coping with more than has felt fair, I wonder what the outcome will be for my health when the dust settles.
That’s all for this week. By the next time I speak with you, I will be fully settled in my new home, and perhaps able to see ahead more clearly. Until then, take care, be good, stay proud.
Darren
Why Do I Write This Blog?
When I first found out I was autistic, I was a middle-aged adult and I knew nothing about autism. I quickly learned that there was a serious shortage of information and resources for adults in my situation. With this blog, I aim to inform about autism and autism-related issues as I learn, hopefully helping people who are on a similar journey of discovery. Like anyone who writes a blog, I want to reach as many readers as possible; if you like what I’m doing, please share it with your friends and followers. I will never hide this blog behind a paywall, but running the website does incur costs. If you would like to support, feel free to make a small contribution at BuyMeACoffee.Com.
You might also be interested in David Scothern’s blog, Mortgage Advisor on FIRE, which covers a range of topics including mental health issues and financial independence.
The Autistic Writer 
Any debt can be repaid, whether that’s money, sleep or spoons. You’ll get there. The hardest parts are done now, and you’re in the home straight as it were. You’ll be fine. A few more bits to do and then you can recharge.
LikeLiked by 1 person